Bendoren’s Blog

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Snippet of a gay’s life

I was reading an entry from another blogger here at wordpress. Her name is Lucia, direct link is http://beholdbestofbothworlds.wordpress.com/2009/04/19/coming-out-what-not-to-do/.

 

To be honest, I’m not yet open about my sexuality. Most people in my life don’t know and wouldnt know that I am gay, most probably because I am not gay obvious, contrary to some gays here who would apply makeup and stuff. I was thinking of coming out when my “boyfriend” is already here in Manila and the of us would be living in the same roof. Although in Lucia’s blog, she wouldn’t recommend it. Notes on her page were ” Coming out on the spur of the moment, with little time for discussion probably isn’t a great idea” and “Don’t come out as an attempt to shock someone, or to shut them up”.

I believe in her, but it’s easier said than done. Most of the time here in the Philippines, parents especially the father won’t accept that their son is gay. I think it’s a lot easier for them accept that their daughter is gay rather than facing the fact that their son is. I’d like to think of it as the “macho effect” of our society, where men who are butch are the accepted type and if tere are gay people, they better be trying hard to be male rather than putting so mch effort to become a woman.

The problem is, our society tends to focus on the “facade” and ignore the things lying beneath it. I mean, there are lots of celebrities who are gay, but would show a different persona which is straight. I could name-drop a few, who acts on tv programs pressumably as straight but lives a different life at night. Aside from the the fact that they might lose their acting career if it would be known that they are openly gay, it would be such an issue that it would be headlining the late night news if it becomes out. I feel sorry for gays who have to lock themselves up their souls can’t breathe. I can only imagine how hard it is to be gay inside but in a relationship with a girl, and even marrying them and later on having kids (ewwww!).

What most western people may say as coward decisions is not entirely true. I think that if the society would make such reform in the minds of it’s people, and try to educate and make them understand what is third sex, then somehow majority of the people might begin to respect them instead of TOLERATING them. I hate the word, I feel like gays and lesbians are cockroaches that are left living and thriving just because there’s no insecticide available to spray at them.

Here’s from an experience and from what I’ve read and learned… in the middle east, those countries that are predominantly muslim, and especially the ultra-conservative kingdom of Saudi Arabia, gay men learned the art of blending to the “right” society that the term “third sex” can be erased in their dictionary as early as tomorrow. Arab men kissing and holding hands are just common, but what you don’t see is when those two are alone, in a private place, or even in the “dwaniya” (receiving room for guests where they can drink tea). The fact is, arab women are veiled from their toes up tp thir noses that you won’t see their faces. Plenty of alternatives for that, and cetainly that won’t be bottles nor any other holes or openings that you could use to insert your tool. Get a guy who loves to be done and do it over and over again, no one would know anyway. Some of them would also do it in groups. There are some videos in the internet showing that.

And to think that they pray five times a day. Check out their mobile phones, you would find one or a couple of porn videos in it. When I was in Kuwait, I saw a couple of wmen who talks and and moves in such a masculine manner that you can quickly identify them as lesbians, but obviously won’t admit to it because it’s a sin. My patient and I would visit Saudi Arabia nd hunt for birds in the desert. Occassionally, we would spend a night or two in a hotel, in a small city called “Al Sayra”. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that it’s the nearest settlement on the map after passing through the Kuwait-Saudi Arabia border. One night, I went out to search for a phone booth, I just wanted to call my family back home. As I was passing by this alley, there wast his black who whistled at me. I looked back and I was furious. In my home counntry, I’m obviously a guy, and there I was being whistled like I was a sexy chick. He’s not gay? I went in to this store and there’s this guy wearing a “dishdasha” who held my hand and talked to me like he’s almost kissing me. He’s not gay?

To put it in a short way, there are more deeper factors why gay men won’t go out of the closet. With the examples that I gave you before, social awareness, education, and moral issues go hand-in-hand which affects the majority of the population in a certain vicinty on how they view a certain issue. Conclusion is, coming out in the open in US is not that easy compared to doing it in Kuwait. If I’m an arab boy and happened to be gay, and at some point admitted to my father that I’m gay, I would be written off of my family as if he didn’t have a son, cast me away like he didnt raise me up, and he wouldn’t care whatever happens to me after that.

Gays have a long way to go,and admitting to your family that you are gay is just the start fo it.

April 19, 2009 Posted by | Journal | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Insecure Partner

I was reading some articles at wordpress.com and found this one. I liked it, even though I’m having a hard time reading his last name. I thought that maybe I can share it here with you guys…

 

The Insecure Partner
By Brian Rczepczynski

 

Introduction—A Picture of Insecurity

Insecurity is no fun. It’s that nagging feeling of angst and anxiety, of being unsettled and worried. You feel helpless and that you don’t measure up to a person or situation, lacking a sense direction or confidence in how to approach things. Like in the initial stages of dating, a single gay man’s insecurity might look like…”Does he like me?” “Why hasn’t he called me like he said he would?” “Will he still be around even after we’ve had sex?”
These are pretty normal reactions; it becomes insecurity when the person becomes preoccupied and ruminates about the outcome, personalizing it and putting himself through a slow-torture of doubt and “what-if” thinking that distracts him from being centered and relaxed.

Gay men in relationships can struggle with insecurity as well; having a partner is no shield against it. In a relationship, insecurity might look like…”Am I still attractive to my partner after all this time?” “Does he think I’m a good lover?” “Why is he spending so much time away from home?” “Is he cheating on me?” Again, there’s nothing abnormal with these thoughts—it has more to do with their extent and severity and how much they are interfering with one’s quality of life and relationship. This article will offer some suggestions for managing this harmful emotion so it doesn’t sabotage your relationship and cause undue stress for your well-being.

2 Culprits of The Madness

Insecurity can stem from many different sources and is highly individual. Maybe you were raised in a family who didn’t give enough positive strokes and you were made to feel “less than.” Maybe you have a history of abuse. Perhaps your experiences with men in the past have burned you and now you feel suspect and untrusting to let your guard down. Low self-esteem plays a big role. Maybe you have attachment difficulties, fears of abandonment, commitment phobia…the faces of insecurity are diverse. There are, however, two particularly strong forces that can befriend insecurity that you should be aware of and intervene before too much havoc occurs.

Mindreading is a cognitive distortion in which you assume you know what your partner is thinking or doing without having any evidence to back up it up. Even though you may have lots of experience with your partner and could likely predict how he would respond to a given situation, there are always exceptions, and you must be very careful to avoid making decisions on the conclusions you create. If your assumption is incorrect, you now have a whole host of other problems to contend with. Mindreading is a byproduct of insecurity and contributes to its madness. The solution is to always check things out with your partner to ensure you’re “on the same page.” Prioritize what’s most important and share your perception as an inquiry rather than a fact.

Projection is another causative factor to insecurity. This is a very complex defense mechanism, but basically is where you put out onto another person disowned aspects of yourself or unfinished business with other people or the past. For example, if you have fears of getting hurt by your partner, you could “project” onto him things that an ex-boyfriend did to you, particularly if both men exhibit similar characteristics or behaviors. Or maybe you feel guilty about something that you did, so you attack your partner for making a mistake about something. The solution here is to identify any emotional wounds from childhood, the past, or previous relationships and learn to grieve them so the issues don’t keep getting displaced into the relationship with your current partner. Take responsibility for “stuff” that’s really your own. Remember that your partner is not your “ex”, for example; they are both very different individuals with unique personalities, philosophies, and values. Learn how to cope with these triggers when they get activated and channel those feelings into more productive outlets.

Coping Strategies For Taming Insecurity

1. Keep a journal of your triggers. Anytime you find yourself getting anxious or insecure, write down the situation, the feelings you experienced, what you were thinking, and how you acted. This running log will help you discover patterns behind your projections so you can more readily short-circuit them in the future should they happen again. Try to write about where your insecurity originated, what your insecurity looks like, the types of beliefs that feed this feeling, the consequences you’ve suffered as a result of its existence, and create a vision for how you will look as a man with a secure base.

2. If you find that you project another person from your life (an “ex”, your father, etc.) onto your partner, make a list of all the reasons why your current lover is not like these individuals. Write down all his good qualities and why he’s a good partner choice for you thus far. This will help keep you centered in the here-and-now, not the past.

3. Changing these patterns takes time, so develop the art of patience and realize that these negative feelings you have may take a lot of time to diminish. Learn a variety of relaxation techniques that you can use to help de-stress yourself whenever the anxiety hits. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization are good ones to start with. Become more attuned with your body and recognize the physical sensations you feel when anxiety strikes so you can utilize your coping skills before the feelings magnify and get acted-out.

4. Practice thought-stoppage techniques. Get skilled at tracking your thoughts and identifying which ones are helpful vs. hurtful for you. Negative anxiety-provoking thoughts can be stopped dead in their tracks by snapping your wrist with a rubber band and immediately redirecting your thoughts to more positive self-talk. Sounds weird, but it can help break you out of the trance that anxiety can create and gives you a split second to change the course of your thoughts.

5. Affirmations are positive/motivational quotes, sayings, or statements that can keep you centered on good things. Create your own affirmations and write them down on index cards. Anytime you get into a funk or find yourself unable to control the negative thinking, pull out your cards and read them aloud.

6. If you find yourself unable to control the whirlwind of emotions when you’re with your partner, delay your responses to him and leave the room until you’re able to calm down and get more focused with a positive perspective. Taking this “Time-Out” will help get you more grounded and avoid any potential conflicts that could harm the trust in your relationship. Schedule a time with your partner to discuss the matter when you’re both more composed and able to really hear each other.

7. Manage your worries by identifying things you can vs. cannot control. Channel your energies into the things you do have control over and learn to “let go” of those you don’t.

8. Get out of your own head! Anytime you have the swirling, negative thoughts, take the focus off of yourself by doing something behaviorally that will benefit or attend to your relationship in a positive way. Do something for your partner that you know he would enjoy. Surprise him, seduce him, anything to break out of the self-absorption so you can do something productive and affirming for your boyfriend and relationship. Be creative!

Conclusion

Those are just a few strategies to get you started. Keep these tips close whenever you feel triggered, as they just might help stop the chain reactions you feel so you can redirect yourself to a more healthy mindset and behavioral choices. To overcome insecurity, you must be willing to take the risk of being vulnerable, develop more humor and light-heartedness, and increase the communication between you and your partner to move in the direction of strengthened intimacy and connection. You can do it!

©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, teleclasses, and the self-help book he co-authored, “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion,” please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com Thank you!

April 17, 2009 Posted by | Journal | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Back in Pinas

So after working in Kuwait for 2 years, I went home and tried to find a work. I could’ve gone back there and continue it, but if my salary here would be just as much there, might as well stay. And so I did…

… and the recession began. It isnt a joke to find work here at the peak of US’s downfall. Staying in the Philippines for 5 months without a job isnt as hard as being broke in other countries. Here, you can stay home and your parents and friends would still give you food, shelter and everything else for free, even if you’re 45 years old. Asian families have closer family ties. You could still stay with them even if you’re old enough to work. After being a bum and all the while trying to pass my resumes to these companies for 5 months, I received an email telling me to report back and that they were thinking about hiring me. SoI did, and that is still my work to this day. In case you’re wondering why I posted those WoW articles, it’s because my company is selling and buying WoW accounts, as well as offering income to gamers. I’m gonnna tell you more of that in the future.

The one thing that surprised me, I’m already in a ripe age to have sex but I’m still not doing it!

I had an experience with a bar guy before, which was 8 years ago. And you know what? I felt bad about myself doing it, so I never did it again. In my opinion, it’s always better to do it with a guy who’s loving you, and both of you are in a serious committed relationship. A particular argued with me beforea nd asked me “but what if you can’t find a guy to love? What are you gonna do? jump out of the window?” Well maybe he has a point, but it’s case to case basis. One might not agree with the other, and others might agree with one.

Now Im asking myself, should I try to find something adventurous in my life, and not just impose the “go to work, go back home” policy to myself? But you can’t find love, right? They said that it just comes in your life when you you least expect it. I don’t think I’m a head turner, but I dont look like Shriek, and I do get some nice comments with guys sometimes (awww…….. how sweet of you <wink wink>), but as “Mary Poppins”, I don’t think I would go out and find myself a sex adventure. I’ve tried though, and it just wouldn’t work on me.

In other words, I’m in a stage of my life that its just completely flat. Oh yeah, remember the bar guy? that was the first and last, and didnt have another one in 8 years. You’d find it hard to believe, but I’m not lying on that.

April 17, 2009 Posted by | Journal | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Kuwait

I’m gonna tell you guys more about Kuwait.

As I was telling you in the first article I posted, I went went to a muslim country (Kuwait) and worked there for two years. That was the first time I ever rode an airplane and going abroad. I was actually kinda afraid that I might suffer culture shock. I think I did, but those episodes were never intense as those other Filipinos experience. I’m gonna credit that to the fact that I’m used being away from my family.

culture shock

–noun
a state of bewilderment and distress experienced by an individual who is suddenly exposed to a new, strange, or foreign social and cultural environment.www.dictionary.com

 

So I stayed with a diabetic, 80 (?) year old patient. Later on, his leg was amputated because of a small infection from a wound on one of his toes which went wrong and the doctors didnt have any other option but cut it just above the knee.

fact: older generations of muslims, especially the arabs do not have records of their birth date. instead, these people would associate their birth date to a significant event that happened during that day. Commonly, these people would say “I was born on the day an eclipse occurred.”

 

It was pleasant experience over all. I guess I was lucky to be employed by an educated family. the problem I had with working there is that I wasn’t allowed to go outside of he house. I’ve been to the city twice when I was there, and that was it. The biggest problem that an expat in the middle east would experience is his independence. If their governments would abolish “segregation” of workers, it would have been more nice.

fact: there are two types of visas in Kuwait. Visa 20 is the one given to domestic helpers and house workers. Getting this type would signify that you are in full custody of your employer. Health insurance and other bemefits that an average company employee is entitled to aren’t present. Visa 18 is the visa granted to expats working for companies. People who have this has a more legal power in the state, and gives them the right to own a car and rent or buy a house, among other things.

Working in Kuwait opened my eyes. For one thing, it’s hard to work away from your family and friends, and even harder if you’re in a muslim country. Unlike in the US and other countries, expats in Kuwait has to bring their IDs when they go out. If a police asked you where is yours and somehow you dont have it, you will get arrested. Strangely, I never had my ID (fotaka in arabic) until i went back here in Manila. And yeah, I never had the chance to roam around except once or twice.

Another thing, our embassies are useless, and Filipinos working in those offices in the middle east are so dumb they don’t give a damn if you’re raped or whatever. I wish our government would take a full 360 turn and straighten things up.

In my opinion, the measure of an economic power is not about the how rich your economy is, its how about how you prevent you people from being exported as manpower and be slaves for other races.

 

April 10, 2009 Posted by | Journal | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment